The Rewards of Motherhood?
*A few names have been changed to protect the "innocent"
Pook is napping.
During Pook's nap time a very close friend of mine, *Tim supposedly called to see how Pook and I are doing while talking mostly about her recent vacation. When I mentioned Pook was sleeping, she said "well enjoy your break". "What?" I replied using a tone that suggested I didn't hear what she said and that I was slightly bothered because I did hear what she said. Tim answered, "I said enjoy your break. I assume that since Pook is sleeping things are not as hectic." "Goodbye" I wanted to say as I hung up on her with the quickness. But instead, my physical reaction was a whole body cringe as I thought of a more polite way to end the conversation.
The fact is as Pook sleeps, everything is just as busy. As Pook dreams of yesterday's fireworks, Grandpa's good barbque, and the chirping birds welcoming her back home, I am cooking her a delicious vegetarian dinner, washing her milk stained sheets, trying to write for work, replying to email, cleaning out the coffee pot the way my mama does by running a mixture of vinegar and water through it, and now blogging. There is no rest for the weary. No non-hetic moments in motherhood.
I thought about a really cherishable and insightful conversation I had recently with my close sisterfriend mother to be, Miyoshi. I remember us talking about what I am learning from mothering Pook. I remember Miyoshi's high anticipation articulated through thoughtful and funny questions and caring concerns for her baby girl we all can't wait to meet. I remember her saying in a way that was silmultaneously a question, there isn't a greater reward than being a mother. Right? To which I replied, nope there really isn't.
But the phone conversation I had while Pook slept made me aware there are many assumptions made by non-mothers (I mean this in a very narrow sense) that this work of mothering is easy. That the work of motherhood is supposed to be the reward itself. And that somehow, inspite of all the work that is always supposed to be enjoyed, we are just doing what we are supposed to and even enjoying breaks- somehow. Motherhood is more than a full time job. And the rewards of motherhood are not always in the doing. The rewards of motherhood definitely do not involve "breaks" while baby sleeps. Let me break it down: Doing what has to be done without help, resources, time, effort, appreciation, or energy (even if you have a devoted partner) on a hot blue sky summer day while you would much rather be on the beach in Barbados sipping cola and Mount Gay rum while Pook sports sun glasses, a bikini, and plays in the sand -is not rewarding. It is the shit work of mothering.
The reward of mothering is more like looking into your child's eyes and seeing them dance- and to really see this you have to rested.
The reward of mothering is listening to your child sing this little light of mine- and to hear this you have to be paying attention (not doing twenty things at once).
The reward of mothering is a hug at the end of the day, a "good morning mama" after a pleasant eight hour slumber, a learning moment while everything is quiet enough to read a book (or ten in Pook's case).
The rewards of mothering are those too few moments in the secret room giving thanks and praise for a healthy child, a brillant girl, a community of support, and a willing spirit.
The rewards of mothering are not glamourous like the grammy's, public like television annoucements or front page news, or as frequent as government lies and cover-ups.
(I would like to end on a sentimental note but that would defeat the message)
Pook is napping.
During Pook's nap time a very close friend of mine, *Tim supposedly called to see how Pook and I are doing while talking mostly about her recent vacation. When I mentioned Pook was sleeping, she said "well enjoy your break". "What?" I replied using a tone that suggested I didn't hear what she said and that I was slightly bothered because I did hear what she said. Tim answered, "I said enjoy your break. I assume that since Pook is sleeping things are not as hectic." "Goodbye" I wanted to say as I hung up on her with the quickness. But instead, my physical reaction was a whole body cringe as I thought of a more polite way to end the conversation.
The fact is as Pook sleeps, everything is just as busy. As Pook dreams of yesterday's fireworks, Grandpa's good barbque, and the chirping birds welcoming her back home, I am cooking her a delicious vegetarian dinner, washing her milk stained sheets, trying to write for work, replying to email, cleaning out the coffee pot the way my mama does by running a mixture of vinegar and water through it, and now blogging. There is no rest for the weary. No non-hetic moments in motherhood.
I thought about a really cherishable and insightful conversation I had recently with my close sisterfriend mother to be, Miyoshi. I remember us talking about what I am learning from mothering Pook. I remember Miyoshi's high anticipation articulated through thoughtful and funny questions and caring concerns for her baby girl we all can't wait to meet. I remember her saying in a way that was silmultaneously a question, there isn't a greater reward than being a mother. Right? To which I replied, nope there really isn't.
But the phone conversation I had while Pook slept made me aware there are many assumptions made by non-mothers (I mean this in a very narrow sense) that this work of mothering is easy. That the work of motherhood is supposed to be the reward itself. And that somehow, inspite of all the work that is always supposed to be enjoyed, we are just doing what we are supposed to and even enjoying breaks- somehow. Motherhood is more than a full time job. And the rewards of motherhood are not always in the doing. The rewards of motherhood definitely do not involve "breaks" while baby sleeps. Let me break it down: Doing what has to be done without help, resources, time, effort, appreciation, or energy (even if you have a devoted partner) on a hot blue sky summer day while you would much rather be on the beach in Barbados sipping cola and Mount Gay rum while Pook sports sun glasses, a bikini, and plays in the sand -is not rewarding. It is the shit work of mothering.
The reward of mothering is more like looking into your child's eyes and seeing them dance- and to really see this you have to rested.
The reward of mothering is listening to your child sing this little light of mine- and to hear this you have to be paying attention (not doing twenty things at once).
The reward of mothering is a hug at the end of the day, a "good morning mama" after a pleasant eight hour slumber, a learning moment while everything is quiet enough to read a book (or ten in Pook's case).
The rewards of mothering are those too few moments in the secret room giving thanks and praise for a healthy child, a brillant girl, a community of support, and a willing spirit.
The rewards of mothering are not glamourous like the grammy's, public like television annoucements or front page news, or as frequent as government lies and cover-ups.
(I would like to end on a sentimental note but that would defeat the message)
posted by NewMommy @ 1:25 PM
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