A want or a need?

We were home again, in Chicago Heights this past weekend. My nephew Jalen spent the weekend with us while his family traveled to Lauren's track meet in Indianapolis (and she placed! go Lauren). Jalen stayed with us because he had a baseball game as well as a trophy ceremony he didn't want to miss. Jalen was a really good big brother to Pook. He was also in RARE form that weekend. While me, Pook, my parents, and Jalen were chillin on the porch outside enjoying a nice evening, Jalen asked me if Pook was a want or a need.

Instinctively I replied, "Pook is a need. I need Pook like I need oxygen."

Jalen said "nope, kids are not needs." He told me people don't need children. He encouraged me to think about it, "why" he asked, "would anyone need a child?" He then corrected me, "you wanted Maya Sanaa". He also confided "my parents wanted me too."

And I thought well, maybe I stand corrected. I do know that I lived a great life pre-Pook. Don't get me to start talking about being single in Brooklyn, or those days when I got to sleep in. Don't get the Rollaz to testifying about road trips, drinking games, and nicoleisms. And certainly with women's lib and birth control I definitely know and believe in a woman's right to choose. And that's when I realized, yes in so many ways I also wanted Pook.

Everyone knows I was destined to have a baby girl. I so wanted Maya Sanaa to come as she is (although when I first saw her round face I was in complete shock- i never pictured MY baby having a round shaped face) in all of her glory. I wanted to be a mother. I eagerly anticipated her arrival even though I was scared. I definitely saw my future as a woman with a girl child even though I have neither pot nor window. So yes I must admitt Pook was wanted.

But now, nine months in I can't really imagine my life without Maya Sanaa. I know it sounds cliche but I am that mother that doesn't feel quite herself without baby near. I have yet to take that writing retreat weekend that I know I need to take because I don't want to be away from Pook. Traveling used to be a signifier of my treasured independentness- now, if I'm traveling alone I'm trying to catch an early flight back home. Of course, I can't go to any store without strolling the baby aisles. I need Pook. I mean she's my Pook.

So I thought about Jalen's sermon and I really wondered if this soon to be second grader was smarter than his aunt holding an advanced degree or two. Was I so much that mother that i can't distinguish what is from what I need to be? And maybe this is all philosphy I don't know. Maybe thats how you know you really love someone- when they are both needed and wanted. I can see how Pook is both things at once. I love my Pook!!!!